This damn thing is still here.

Be interesting to see if anyone finds this. Gotta do something. Just gotta.

Depressed. The last year has been a living hell. Last year OR MORE.

My marriage has ended, for one thing. I want her back, but I don't want the bullshit.

At one point, I could have had what seemed at the time like a better thing on any number of levels, but like a fool, I went and fucked it up. I'm good like that.

And I'm starting to feel...rushed? in the relationship I have now. Its positives are extremely strong; its negatives few and superficial. I wonder if I'm superficial?

I've been banished from my home on the internet for the last six years. I don't agree with the characterization of what I said that led to that, I don't agree it qualifies as the specific offense it was deemed to be.

That puts me in a hell of a position, it makes it hard to decide how to frame a request for reinstatement. So far I'm being ignored.

It's his blog, he can do what he wants, but it did amputate a part of my life that I valued. I don't feel like I deserved that. But what I WON'T do is run around talking shit like others have done. Nothing to revel in here, kids.

Running around talking trash and groveling for mercy have one thing in common: they both represent a lowering of my standards. I'm trying to salvage what dignity I have left.

I keep seeking empty refuge. Dialing back on drinking, that can't help but be a good thing.

I think I'm also overemphasizing the importance of sex.....or maybe not. Maybe not. I'm in a very, very strange place right now.

And I don't like it.

I feel incredibly isolated.

I do have one of my sons back now. That's a good thing. The other needs continued therapy but someday......someday. I'm just worried he'll become a casualty of the system. I feel powerless to help him.

I feel rather useless sometimes.

Let me out.