Staring into candles
Lately, I have found that humming A-flat below middle C while sitting full lotus and staring into a candle flame has a calming effect on me. But tonight, things went a little different.
I lit a candle again tonight when I got home, and sat on the floor once again, and stared for the thousandth time into the guttering, yellow-orange flame.
But this time, I decided to try something different. The flame was blurred, a deeper gold than usual, and filtered through a whitish haze of frost. I decided to stare into the flame through a cold pint of india pale ale.
I don't know whether it was the race between the beer and the candle, to see which would reach bottom first, or if it was the wild mushrooms found under a cow pie that we put in the omelet we had for dinner, but things began to take on a surreal quality at that point. The sun was down, of course; and the day's torrential rains had gone as quickly as they had come.
Odd. Somehow, I missed the rain. I wanted the sounds, the chaos of off-white noise from the storm battering my window. But the sounds weren't there. Only distant traffic, if you strained to hear it, the occasional child or two at play, and somewhere, a medium-sized dog barking his head off in odd numbered bursts.
Seven, seven again, three, five, five. Nine, five, seven. Seven twice.....
(Cat is in my yard right now. Cat is in my yard right now. Let me go. Let me off this chain. Let me off this chain. I can't get the cat that's in my yard. Let me off this chain. Cat is in my yard right now.....Cat is in my yard right now. Cat is in my yard right now.......)
and a funny, whirring noise, getting louder and closer. Something bumped against the window.
I wondered what would come in if the window opened, and the noise moved into the room. The wind kicked up, and I shivered and it occurred to me that damn window needed to be shut. I jumped a little at the bang - I don't know my own strength sometimes. This was sufficient to break my focus on the cold-filtered flame, and I looked up to see what I knew had to be there.
There was a little grey saucer, looking exactly as if someone had welded a couple of snow saucers together, hovering in midair. It was emitting a melodic whirr.
But the really amazing thing was the little green dude sitting in a seat dead center of the thing. It was the damndest thing. He looked just like that little green alien you see on keychains and posters and just about anywhere else.
He raised a hand in salute.
What to say? I was making First Contact. I had a visitor from another star system in my home. I knew I must consider my next words carefully.
I raised my hand in response.
"Nanu nanu."
The bulbous green head tipped quizzically to one side.
` I decided to try something different.
"Gort, Klaatu barada nikto," I said brightly. The black eyes seemed to narrow.
"Oh, shit," I thought. "I have made him SO ANGRY. VERY angry inDEED."
As if by their own volition, I felt my fingers part in the middle, into a V formed by ring and pinky on one side, middle and index on the other. My thumb was quivering a little as it hovered parallel to the floor.
"Uh.....live long and prosper?" I said nervously. the saucer gave a little bobble, and the huge black eyes widened again. The little guy actually smiled.
Whew. At least now I wouldn't have to deal with the Eludium Q-36 Space Modulator.
"I would take you to my leader, but I don't really have one. I'm a liberal," I said to the little green man.
He nodded somberly, and a little door appeared out of nowhere on the seamless surface of his saucer. An eyeball floated out, tethered to a ropy stalk. It lit up inside, a hellish orange red.
"I got some Visine for that if you want some," I said, when suddenly, the orange-red glow turned white, and an image projected on the wall behind me.
It showed the World Trade Center sprouting a ball of fire, and the smiling images of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein laughed and gibbered together in the flames. They were riding donkeys, the both of them.The donkeys brayed raucously, WEEEEE....HATE AMERICA! WEEEEEE....HATE AMERICA!
A disembodied voice said, "I'm George W. Bush, and I approved this message."
I've had the baseball bat for years. I found the lead in a junkyard in Akron, and melted it down on the stove, then poured it into the hollowed-out bat, and sealed the end back on with epoxy resin and a couple of 4-inch wood screws.
The saucer rolled on its axis five or six times when the bat made contact, but it didn't seem to leave a scratch, much less a dent, despite the BANG that caused the neighbors across the parking lot to flip on their porch light.
I wanted the damn thing to fly out the window and away, which it did, and the window banged shut again when I realized the thing might fly back in if the window was opened.
I let out a sigh - I had been holding my breath -and my head dropped reflexively.
That's when I saw the little green bastard struggling to get up off the floor, where he'd been dumped when the saucer went ass over teakettle.
I still had the bat in my hands.
All told, I think I dealt with the experience pretty well.
I do have one problem, though, that I hope you can help me with:
How do I get all this green shit out of this beige carpet?
I lit a candle again tonight when I got home, and sat on the floor once again, and stared for the thousandth time into the guttering, yellow-orange flame.
But this time, I decided to try something different. The flame was blurred, a deeper gold than usual, and filtered through a whitish haze of frost. I decided to stare into the flame through a cold pint of india pale ale.
I don't know whether it was the race between the beer and the candle, to see which would reach bottom first, or if it was the wild mushrooms found under a cow pie that we put in the omelet we had for dinner, but things began to take on a surreal quality at that point. The sun was down, of course; and the day's torrential rains had gone as quickly as they had come.
Odd. Somehow, I missed the rain. I wanted the sounds, the chaos of off-white noise from the storm battering my window. But the sounds weren't there. Only distant traffic, if you strained to hear it, the occasional child or two at play, and somewhere, a medium-sized dog barking his head off in odd numbered bursts.
Seven, seven again, three, five, five. Nine, five, seven. Seven twice.....
(Cat is in my yard right now. Cat is in my yard right now. Let me go. Let me off this chain. Let me off this chain. I can't get the cat that's in my yard. Let me off this chain. Cat is in my yard right now.....Cat is in my yard right now. Cat is in my yard right now.......)
and a funny, whirring noise, getting louder and closer. Something bumped against the window.
I wondered what would come in if the window opened, and the noise moved into the room. The wind kicked up, and I shivered and it occurred to me that damn window needed to be shut. I jumped a little at the bang - I don't know my own strength sometimes. This was sufficient to break my focus on the cold-filtered flame, and I looked up to see what I knew had to be there.
There was a little grey saucer, looking exactly as if someone had welded a couple of snow saucers together, hovering in midair. It was emitting a melodic whirr.
But the really amazing thing was the little green dude sitting in a seat dead center of the thing. It was the damndest thing. He looked just like that little green alien you see on keychains and posters and just about anywhere else.
He raised a hand in salute.
What to say? I was making First Contact. I had a visitor from another star system in my home. I knew I must consider my next words carefully.
I raised my hand in response.
"Nanu nanu."
The bulbous green head tipped quizzically to one side.
` I decided to try something different.
"Gort, Klaatu barada nikto," I said brightly. The black eyes seemed to narrow.
"Oh, shit," I thought. "I have made him SO ANGRY. VERY angry inDEED."
As if by their own volition, I felt my fingers part in the middle, into a V formed by ring and pinky on one side, middle and index on the other. My thumb was quivering a little as it hovered parallel to the floor.
"Uh.....live long and prosper?" I said nervously. the saucer gave a little bobble, and the huge black eyes widened again. The little guy actually smiled.
Whew. At least now I wouldn't have to deal with the Eludium Q-36 Space Modulator.
"I would take you to my leader, but I don't really have one. I'm a liberal," I said to the little green man.
He nodded somberly, and a little door appeared out of nowhere on the seamless surface of his saucer. An eyeball floated out, tethered to a ropy stalk. It lit up inside, a hellish orange red.
"I got some Visine for that if you want some," I said, when suddenly, the orange-red glow turned white, and an image projected on the wall behind me.
It showed the World Trade Center sprouting a ball of fire, and the smiling images of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein laughed and gibbered together in the flames. They were riding donkeys, the both of them.The donkeys brayed raucously, WEEEEE....HATE AMERICA! WEEEEEE....HATE AMERICA!
A disembodied voice said, "I'm George W. Bush, and I approved this message."
I've had the baseball bat for years. I found the lead in a junkyard in Akron, and melted it down on the stove, then poured it into the hollowed-out bat, and sealed the end back on with epoxy resin and a couple of 4-inch wood screws.
The saucer rolled on its axis five or six times when the bat made contact, but it didn't seem to leave a scratch, much less a dent, despite the BANG that caused the neighbors across the parking lot to flip on their porch light.
I wanted the damn thing to fly out the window and away, which it did, and the window banged shut again when I realized the thing might fly back in if the window was opened.
I let out a sigh - I had been holding my breath -and my head dropped reflexively.
That's when I saw the little green bastard struggling to get up off the floor, where he'd been dumped when the saucer went ass over teakettle.
I still had the bat in my hands.
All told, I think I dealt with the experience pretty well.
I do have one problem, though, that I hope you can help me with:
How do I get all this green shit out of this beige carpet?
posted by kestrel9000 at 11:54 AM
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